Human need of intimacy and hook up culture

“We are born with an innate desire to connect and build social and interpersonal relationships with others. We must form deep attachments with others to survive” (Helm 15). People are born to build relationships with one another. However, unlike the natural need for intimacy, some people seek intimacy without building a relationship. Some people view hooking up [1] culture as the new form of freedom, a way to enjoy life, a new way of expressing intimacy, viewing hook up as empowerment of women. However, people fall into the hook-up culture to seek intimacy, which only worsens the situation. I believe the life-long serious romantic relationship is the way to real intimacy.

‘Data from the 2002 survey indicate that by age 20, 77% of respondents had had sex, 75% had had premarital sex[2], and 12% had married’ (Finer). Lawrence Finer’s research shows the experience with sex in the United States twenty years ago. Twenty years ago, the majority of people engaged in premarital sex. Regardless of the subject's romantic relationship status, this shows how premarital sex and hooking up were common and gradually becoming more common in American culture. Recent study shows ‘…Increases in the percent of US women who had premarital sex by age 25, rising from 53% to 75%, 83%, and 87% for those born 1939–1948, 1949– 1958, 1959–1968, and 1969–1978, respectively (Wu et al. 727). Recent research shows that as time goes by, the rate of experience in premarital sex amongst women is gradually increasing. The culture convinces people that most people are having premarital sex, normalizing the premarital sex. Premarital sex, specifically hooking up culture, a rising ‘trend’ amongst the young generation, increased ever since the invention of birth control. Research shows how people got more engaged to hook up culture with the invention of birth control: ‘By the 1960s, young adults became even more sexually liberated, with the rise of feminism, widespread availability of birth control and growth of sex-integrated college party events… (Bogle, 2007, 2008)’(Garcia). Since birth control pills and birth control procedures were available, the risk of getting pregnant when having sex decreased. As the risk has been decreased, more people have started to engage in premarital sex. The invention of the birth control pill was a liberating invention that allowed people to have sex without committing to one person for their entire life.

Netflix series such as ‘Sex Education’ encourages people to have sex and be open about having sex with a partner or within a temporary romantic relationship. The main character, Otis, forces himself to have sex with someone before college, join the trend, and become the ‘majority’. In the drama, he seems to be ashamed of himself because he has never had sex. As the trend of hook-up culture arises with the influence of peers and media, college students assume that many people, more than the actual statistic, are engaged with hooking-up culture. ‘Research clearly shows that college students overestimate just how many of their classmates are actually hooking up’ (Helm 18) College Students believed that over 85 percent were involved in hook-up culture when the actual stat of people who are regularly engaged in hook-up was 20 percent of the people (Helm 18). So even if someone is involved or not involved in hook-up culture, the misunderstanding that the majority of the students are involved in hook-up normalizes hook-up culture and leads hook-up culture to be the 'trend.' The normalized concept of hook up culture as a bandwagon effect[3], could also lead people who were not involved in hook-up culture to get engaged in the culture. Additionally, the culture that emphasized the masculinity of males leads to unnecessary hooking up. Just like in “Sex Education," where Otis feels the burden of having sex before entering college, the burden and peer pressure amongst men to have sex is a real existing problem in today’s culture. In many cases, males are urged to hook up to show their masculinity as a male amongst other males.

The desire to have a marriage-like intimacy without a married relationship is a problematic trend. In order to fulfill genuine intimacy, we need to engage in a romantic relationship that will lead to marriage. Nonetheless, ‘College students who regularly hook up tend to have less experience in dating and long-term romantic relationships’ (Helm 18). Most people do not recognize the fact that they are hooking up with a desire for intimacy. If they knew that they were looking for intimacy, then they would recognize that hooking up cannot be a shortcut to intimacy. People do not recognize that they are looking for authentic intimacy, which leads people to vicious cycles of hooking up. Hooking up prevents people from having authentic intimacy by preventing the pursuit of a serious relationship. Marriage is not a preferred romantic relationship according to the current trend. People want a 'more flexible romantic relationship than in previous years' (Helm 22), Katherine shows hooking up is trendy in a way that it satisfies the needs of modern people who want a 'flexible' romantic relationship. However, engaging in hook-up culture to fulfill intimacy is the start of a vicious circle. A person who wants intimacy but does not want a serious relationship or is 'too busy for long-term relationship' (Helm 17) falls into the hook-up culture, with the intended/ unintended belief that hooking up would fulfill the 'physical and emotional need' (17). However, engagement of hook up culture without getting engaged in a serious relationship, that person will be stuck in the vicious cycle of desiring intimacy from meaningless hooking up. Research shows how human intimacy is fulfilled with intimate love. ‘Sternberg (1986) views intimacy as a constitutive element of love that encompasses feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness’ (14). The authentic intimacy we need can only be fulfilled with caring and respect for each other with love. Genuine closeness can never be found in hooking up. ‘Our ability to give and receive intimacy can be reflective of our past relationship experiences’ (14). The extensive sexual desire and need are often derived from past wounds (Slattery). These wounds may come from parents, past relationship, and even from school. These wounds have to be healed. The sexual desires derived from wounds can never be healed with hooking up, which psychologically damages the human being since the commodification of human beings causes the hooking up. People want a marriage-like relationship without marriage (Helm). The easiest marriage like life without marriage is cohabitation, which makes people less likely to get married and more likely to get divorced (20). With cohabitation, people are living together, so people enjoy the married couple-like relationship, but with less responsibility for each other and also always leaving space for break up. Cohabitation may sound very idealistic in a way that one can experience the most 'married like life' with living together and feeling the physical intimacy by being together without burden. However, cohabitation is inevitably an unstable situation where there is no responsibility to be with each other, it is a relationship that always can end. Also, what makes marriage very different from other relationships is to live together, forming a family. Since they have lived together even before marriage, living together and sharing responsibility is less serious. Unlike when married, cohabitation has less or no responsibility for living together, and changing to an actual marriage will bring the burden and responsibility they denied, possibly leading to divorce. According to Axinn, increasing acceptance of divorce leads to actual divorce (Axinn 372). The possibility of breaking up during cohabitation may lead to consideration of divorce, since people who have gone through cohabitation consider divorce as something less serious.

People who argue for hook-up culture claim: Since hooking up does not require commitment, hook-up culture allows living a more enjoyable life. Enjoyable life here implies a life that can satisfy the sexual desire without getting into a serious romantic relationship. ‘Hook up culture … has more positive than negative effects…saves time … which would be spent on a full-fledged romantic relationship’ (Wilson). They view romantic relationships as a waste of time, which prevents other experiences that make life enjoyable. Sex should be a result of authentic intimacy after marriage, but since when people skip the step of relationship, they are seeing sex as just an entertainment. The premise of the commodification of human being used for pleasure leads to the usage of sex as entertainment. Hooking up happens when people see each other as a ‘thing’ to satisfy and give pleasure. Sex with the commodification of the human body is an act of trivialization. With commodification and trivialization, hooking up, the intimacy that human needs will never be fulfilled. Looking for intimacy in hooking up is messing around with a thing that we cannot control. Intimacy is formed gradually with patience and effort from each other. Intimacy is achieved when people are loved and accepted as who they are. Intimacy within sex is formed with the trust of each other upon being vulnerable with each other (Department of Health). The human need for intimacy can be fulfilled with sexual integrity and covenant love after marriage, including sex (Slattery). Disposable, abusive, exploiting human ‘relationship’ that longs only for pleasure and sexual satisfaction can never provide intimacy. Hooking up undermines real intimacy.

Both scientific and psychological research proves how hooking up does not work for intimacy. However, I am not implying 'purity culture' as the biblical reason of opposition to hook up culture. Some view the Christian Dating Culture, what they term Purity culture, as promoting rape culture. However, I want to clarify that purity culture is not what the Bible says and is clearly does not represent the Christian dating culture. In the article, ‘Nobody Wants to Date a Whore: Rape- Supportive Messages in Women- Directed Christian Dating Books,' in the article by Klement says: ‘Further, in an experimental study, they found that participants’ rape myth acceptance increased when exposed to a purity-related message.’ This is not true because from the study of Helm, ‘The study found that encouraging the postponement of sexual intercourse is important because teens who initiate first coitus before they are 16 years old engage in riskier sexual behavior and experience more adverse sexual health outcomes than those who delay the onset of sexual intercourse until age 16’ (Helm 7) shows that the earlier exposed to sexual intercourse, the higher chance of getting involved in a riskier sexual behavior and experiences, which includes unwanted sex that resulted from sexual experience. What children and teenagers learn now, forms the culture and conception for the future generation, which is very dangerous, leading to multiplication of involvement in 'riskier sexual behavior and intercourse' in the long run. I am not standing for a purity culture that says only women have to be pure but is claiming that both men and women should not hook up or have premarital sex. Hooking up seems to be liberating for women to have sex and break the stereotypical 'purity culture' that they oppose. However, research shows that college students actually regret hooking up, that seemed to be liberating. “Many colleges students regret hooking up; sometimes hooking up can lead to unwanted consequences … date rape” (Helm 18). This is ironic because the article repeatedly mentions that Christian dating books promote the rape culture and purity of women, but technically hooking up leads to a higher chance of getting involved in risky sexual situations, including date rape. Often times, hooking up even includes drugs and alcohol, which affects one's judgment, leading to the more likely hood of hooking up (Helm 17). With the involvement of drugs and alcohol, people that would not have hooked up with a clear mind can also be involved in hook up, regardless of their own will. Sex without consent is also considered rape. So sex happened with the involvement of alcohol and drug that made one who do no want to have sex, is also a rape.

Some feminist groups claim that hooking up and premarital sex allows women to express freedom to liberate and empower women by breaking the social norms of women keeping purity. Feminists also emphasize that requiring women to keep their purity is making women naïve. According to their claim, not keeping women's purity would be having sex. If women start to have sex easily before marriage, it will lead to a worse outcome such as unwanted pregnancy or infection of sexually transmitted diseases. From hook-up culture supporters' view, sex is entertainment for pleasure, not a sacred act of a married couple. They instead criticize the Christians who view sex as a sacred thing, saying it is too old and conservative, not going along with the current 'trend.' I believe the phrase ‘only women keeping purity is sexism’ is a sexist phrase. With saying 'only women keeping purity is sexism,' this phrase leads women to have sex, to break the purity culture that seems to suppress women’s rights. People benefitting from giving up purity will be the male who has sex with females. So technically, a phrase that sounds like liberating women from purity culture is manipulating women to give up the purity to have sex with males. People are not just seeking liberation but an intimacy. Adding on to women's liberation, there are views claiming that women would be left naïve if they do not get experience with sex. First, I want to ask what naïve means. Is being naïve technically wrong? What is being 'naïve' in the context of supporting hook-up culture? Being exposed to sexual intercourse at a young age and eventually engaging with risky sexual behavior and experience is being naive. From the supporter of hook-up culture's point of view, they assume that if women keep their purity, they would not know about sex and any other information about sex. Nevertheless, that is not true. One does not technically have to have sex in order to know about sex. Through proper sex education, one can learn about sex without having premarital sex. The stereotypical mindset that women without any experience in sex would be 'naïve', forces and influences, people without experience in sex to feel awkward and uncomfortable with issues related to sex which makes them more 'naïve' and not to talk or learn about sex.

Hooking up culture will never give one or satisfy one with the authentic intimacy they are looking for. The only way to earn authentic intimacy is to get into a serious romantic relationship that can lead to marriage. Monogamous relationships are idealistic marriages. The definition of monogamous relationship implied in this paper does not encompass serial monogamy. Serial monogamy stands for 'the long-term of having a number of long-term romantic or sexual partners in succession (Helm 20). I want to emphasize the serious life-long relationship created with the love and trust of each other is the only relationship that can give intimacy.

To conclude, hooking up for authentic intimacy only worsens the situation. The only way to get to authentic intimacy is to build a relationship with a life-long partner. The research shows how hook-up culture is becoming a rising trend and proves how it leads to negative consequences psychologically and physically. The strong sexual desire comes from wounds from the past. The wounds can only be healed with a relationship that accepts one another with love and trust. Wounds can never be healed with a disposable relationship. However, this is not about promoting purity culture. I am urging both males and females not to engage with hooking up and premarital sex. To achieve the authentic intimacy that humans long, serious monogamous life-long relationship is the only solution.

Works Cited

Axinn, William G., and Arland Thornton. “The Relationship between Cohabitation and Divorce: Selectivity or Causal Influence?” Demography, vol. 29, no. 3, 1992, pp. 357–374., doi:10.2307/2061823.

Bloom, Linda, and Charlie Bloom. “The Bandwagon Effect | Psychology Today.” Psychology Today, 2017, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201708/the-bandwagon-effect.

Department of Health, Victoria State Government. “Relationships - Creating Intimacy.” Relationships - Creating Intimacy - Better Health Channel, 2019, www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-creating-intimacy.

Finer, Lawrence B. “Trends in Premarital Sex in the United States, 1954–2003.” Public Health Reports, vol. 122, no. 1, 2007, pp. 73–78., doi:10.1177/003335490712200110.

Garcia, Justin R. “Sexual Hook-up Culture.” Monitor on Psychology, American Psychological Association, Feb. 2013, www.apa.org/monitor/2013/02/ce-corner.

Klement, Kathryn R., and Brad J. Sagarin. “Nobody Wants to Date a Whore: Rape-Supportive Messages in Women-Directed Christian Dating Books.” Sexuality & Culture, vol. 21, no. 1, 2016, pp. 205–223., doi:10.1007/s12119-016-9390-x.

Lewis, Melissa A, et al. “What Is Hooking up? Examining Definitions of Hooking up in Relation to Behavior and Normative Perceptions.” Journal of Sex Research, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 2013, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3546226/.

Schwecherl, Laura. “Why Monogamy Might Be Good for Your Health.” Greatist, Greatist, 11 Apr. 2012, greatist.com/happiness/why-monogamy-might-be-good-your-health#1.

Slattery, Juli. “How Does Knowing Jesus Change My Sex Life?” Authentic Intimacy. Slattery Series, 11 Nov. 2021, Wheaton, Wheaton College.

“What: The Many Forms of Sex .” Hooking up: The Psychology of Sex and Dating, by Katherine Helm, Greenwood an Imprint of ABC-CLIO, LLC, 2016, pp. 3–23.

Wilson, Lauren. “Willson: Hookup Culture Is Actually Pretty Great.” The Rocky Mountain Collegian, 1 Nov. 2017, collegian.com/2017/11/willson-hookup-culture-is-actually-pretty-great/.

Wu, Lawrence L., et al. “Reexamining Trends in Premarital Sex in the United States.” Demographic Research, vol. 38, 2018, pp. 727–736., doi:10.4054/demres.2018.38.27.

[1] 'Hooking up: meeting people to have sex, generally not have any sort of relationship afterward… having sexual intercourse without the intention of keeping a relationship type commitment.’ (Lewis) [2] In this paper, Premarital sex includes all sex before marriage regardless of status in romantic relationship. However, Hooking up is implied as a sex without any relationship, that is often one-time or several time, sex that is happened without the willingness of building a relationship. [3] Bandwagon effect: ‘a psychological phenomenon whereby people do something primarily because others are doing it, regardless of their own beliefs, which they may ignore or override.’ (Bloom)